A box of buttons

On the weekend, someone showed me the box of buttons that they treasured when they were a kid. They picked out the favourites, eyes fading into memories years old.

I looked at that box, and realised that friends are much the same. You keep all the best ones there in your heart. You know which ones catch your eye instantly, which have chips or scratches, and which is your all time favourite because of some unique characteristic that you never tire of.

I've been looking through my button box recently. Or rather, the buttons have been talking to me. (hehe)

Luckily, some of my most treasured friends have been calling, emailing, g-chatting or skyping. To catch up, to vent, to laugh and cry, to question, to understand, to say "I miss you".

Every conversation we have, no matter how short, no matter how poor the connection, is something so special to me. Hearing your voice, seeing your messages, all of it brightens my day.

I love all my buttons!

*curse words*

I just get to thinking that I've come to understand myself, and then I go and find a whole other part of me that I didn't see before.

*double curse words*

Time for change

There comes a point when you look at yourself and wonder at what you have become.

I'm tired of being the person I am. I can no longer rely on old excuses, old habits and old thoughts. These beliefs have only ever held me back, and provided escape routes from taking responsibility.

I've had it with that.

So many times before, I've promised myself that I would improve. It only takes a haircut to reinvent myself. It only takes eating healthy, it only takes 'a new attitude', it only takes blah blah.

Not now. I took a good hard look at myself earlier, and I didn't like what I saw. I saw someone who is afraid to take responsibility. Someone who is so scared of people expecting things from her that she'd just rather avoid doing anything at all. After all, disapointment is something that is easier to manifest than respect.

Enough, enough, enough.

It's time for a change, a serious one. Looking inside and realising this fear for the first time has been a massive shock to my system. I'm still terrified of making changes, of taking responsibility, of having faith in myself to meet my committments, but fuck it, I'm going to give this everything I have.

Starting today, I will do everything in my power to be who I should be. I have a mental list (which will be on paper shortly) of the things I want to change, the things I want to achieve.

It's about 2 things: 'Change your behaviour to change your thoughts' and 'start acting as if you are already the person you want to be'.

I will do these things for me, not for others. For too long, I've relied on other people as my motivation and as my crutch. I look to others for justification of my shortcomings. I'm crap because I didn't get x, I failed because y didn't help me. If only I had z, I could finally do everything I need to do.

This new motivation, this new drive and focus must come from inside myself. It's so scary, to actually take responsibility for my own actions, decisions, future. But that's what needs to happen if I want to get anywhere in this life.

I need to make a firm decision to do better. I will not let myself or other people down this time. There is still this nagging self-doubt that this time will be like all the other 'haircut' fixes, but I can't allow that to be so. I feel a deep dissatisfaction with my behaviour thus far, and I think I've finally discovered the reason why. Me.

I will not end this with a list of committments, a promise to the world that I will be better, or a plea for accountability. I will end this post and go and meet my life with focus, determination and a sincere effort to live without fear.