oh...

and on a completely ironic note, I finally found my travel journal, and it's perfect. I had just enough time to write out my previous plans on the front page, before I changed everything. Ugh.

FYI - leatherbound with imprinted pattern, paperchase brand, unlined.

Stupid Reality.

Lesson learned last night. Freedom isn't free. And neither is travel.

I grew up knowing how to pick the specials in the supermarket, but not knowing what to do with the 10c you saved. "Rob Peter to pay Paul" was the catchcry. This is by no means a reflection on my mum at all - she did what she needed to do in order to give us every opportunity. Just an observation that I never really learned how to manage money.

The downside of all this (apart from all the other ones) is that I was living in complete denial about how much six weeks in Europe and a year in Iran would cost. Flights/passports/visa/jabs/accomodation/food/etc all adds up, alarmingly so. So it was with a few tears that last night I decided that I can't afford to go to Prague, and I certainly can't afford to go to Germany. And that blows. I will make it to Tehran on a one-way ticket if I'm lucky and promise to live on eggs and toast for the next few months.

I was so damn excited, caught up in the little bits (ha-ha game, anyone?) that I just plain didn't realise that I'd have to pay for all of this.

Stupid stupid.

So. If I say I can't go out, don't get mad. Come over to my place and have a cup of tea. Help me to stay sober when everyone else is getting smashed at the pub. "No thanks - I've already eaten" is the new black.

I'm sorry to disapoint some important people in my life with the fact that I can't see them now, but there's really no getting around it, unless I a) win the lottery or b) sleep with men for money. And for the record - neither of those things are going to happen, so don't get your hopes up :P

And if I still don't get elected, after all of this? I can't justify taking a place at ITC from someone who might actually need it to grow in their AIESEC XP, when surely I'd be at the end of mine.

Stupid stupid me.

Trainer High

God I love my job on days like today.

(scene)
Yesterday was spent on the phone back and forth to Melbourne, emails back and forth to Hobart, desperately trying to work out what the hell was going on with two separate student's assessments. (this is all on top of the fact that I hadn't had more than 5 hours sleep per night since getting back from Conference...tired=grumpy)

(today)
After working very closley with Student K all afternoon (in the midst of the virtual conversations), I was notified this morning that Student K had completed! Completion is the golden word in our company.

Then, after another brief follow up regarding Student H's last assessment, she came in this arvo, sent off her last tasks and BAM! Completion!

This has been a great day. Trainer high is no myth, I assure you. There is something so fulfilling about seeing a student acheive a certificate. In the back of your mind are all the simple questions, the lost emails, the lost assessments, the dodgy reporting system, the frustration, but also, there are all the times when they've got it right. And then, all of a sudden, everyone's hard work is recognised...COMPLETED!!!

So yes, today has been spent dancing around the classroom (in a very dignified way, I should add). I should have another student accross the line in a couple days, and a few more in the weeks ahead. Yahooooooo!

Personal Inspiro

There are some things that must be done. Some things are for my own good, some are for the sake of my job, some are just because.

1. MUST finish my certificates for work. I want to be qualified, dammit!
2. MUST finish app for Iran. I want to go to Iran, dammit!
3. MUST get my students across the line. I want them to be qualified, dammit!
4. MUST stop spending money. I want to go overseas, dammit!

ITC, CEED, MC. All code, but all amazing. All nothing but dreams unless I commit.

I need to find someone I can do all my 'talking through' to. But everyone's busy! Any takers? All I need is a couple of hours, my (new!) lappy, and the net. Oh, and possibly a large dose of patience on your behalf :P

Brick Wall in pieces!

Yes, oh yes, I smashed down that mental barrier allright.

Instead of pushing myself to apply for countries that I did not truly have a passion for, I am only applying to the one place that I honestly want to go to. And when I realised that, everything became so much clearer and simpler.

Yep, be true to yourself.

Gah!

Really, that word sums up how I'm feeling at the moment. That slight tone of exasperation, a dash of helplessness, and a little more frustration.

I'm having uber-trouble trying to get my head into the right place. I am at AIESEC Australia's January National Conference. I'm officially a 'party delegate' - no role, no responsibilities. I'm coming and going to sessions as I please, I'm chipping in to help different people around the place, and generally having a good time.

The underlying problem with this is that I came to reconnect with AIESEC, to rediscover my motivation, clarify my capabilities and generally get my shit together regarding International MC applications. So far, I can't say that I'm acheiving that. I need to sit and have big chats with people - people that challenge me. Thing is, those people are all running in elections, or running the whole conference! They don't really have the time.

Hang on.

That was an excuse.

Shit.

Damn it. So now what? I really need to work out what the hell I'm doing at the moment. I need to get these apps written - one is due while I'm still at conference. I'm having trouble focussing. I'm too scared that I don't know enough - can't convert passion into something useful. I know that I would be great. I know that. But I can't seem to convert to results. Gah!

Alright. Focus. I think I just need to tie some people to a chair and talk to them. Then, I'll go and lock myself away in a quiet room (although the faci room is quite comfortable!) and blast these bloody applications. You would think, that after three years in AIESEC, and two of those in leadership positions, that I would have the confidence to just get this done.

There are so many quotes that sum up what I should be doing. My favourite all time quote is "A ship is safe in harbour, but that's not what ships are built for". It's so damn true. All the messages in this conference are tied to committing to hitting goals. It's time to stop the talking and start the doing. Even now, I know this post is just a way to get all my excuses out and so I can say 'well, I didn't end up applying because I am super-lame-ass'. That's such crap. I want to be better than this, truly. It's so scary to actually try though, as retarded as it sounds. I watch people do great things all the time. Just a few minutes ago, I was speaking with a friend, who's just been lumped with a massive target to hit in a short space of time. Immediatly, she was onto it, speaking to the right people, organising, theorising, planning. Action was immediate. What is this giant bloody mental brick wall that is stopping me from just getting on with everything?

Gah! Gah to me being blah.