The now and the future

So I'm feeling really good. I'm feeling like I'm now the LCP I should have been when I started. Isn't it funny that when you are in the moment, you act with as much maturity as you have at your fingertips, and you think you have your shit locked down, but when you review key times in your life, you realise that really, you weren't all that crash hot to begin with.

This last month or so has been like that for me. Looking back on the year that's been, I can see so many times where I've just been 'not with it'. Now, fair enough, I've had my fair share of bull go on this year, perhaps more than others (that I know of!). But I truly wish I had this mental calmness and awareness back at the beginning.

I'm about to walk into SPM. It's an exciting and scary time. Scary because I have watched UniSA grow from a baby that could only crap in it's pants, to a young toddler, wondering around, moving, speaking, learning. And now, I have to adopt it out. Oh god. I have every faith that the new parents will look after and nurture this kid, but it's still heartbreaking. Then again, I know that the new parents will teach it new things, like how to ride a bike.

SPM is exciting because I get to see old friends (always the primary reason for awesomeness). I feel like this is the first conference I'll be going to with a clear head and heart. Sometimes I've had one or the other, but never both together. I can't wait to see what I can do when all my cards are in order.

Next year is whole other kettle of fish. 2009, hey? Who knew a mere number could bring so much uncertainty, excitement, nervousness, and hope? I'm purveying my options like a fishmonger purveys the fishmarkets at 4am. I want the best. The best experience, the best challenges, the best love, the best AIESEC XP. Where will that take me? I have no idea! :)

Today, I am also grateful to the fact that I have grown up as an educated young woman. I have been learning constantly for my entire existence. The people I teach sometimes have never used a computer. Ever. Isn't that such a foreign concept to us now? It's as basic as "left click once, go to save as, Don't Click!, move your mouse to Word 97-2003 document, left click once".

But there is some wicked satisfaction that comes when they learn to do what I take for granted every day. I'm watching people attach files to emails. We would do it without thinking, but it can take them 15 minutes or more, with guided help every step of the way.

They've been out of school and out of education longer than I've been alive.

Bring it on, I say. 2009, calm, growth, change, all of it.

Freedom

''Cos I'm free, to do what I want to do'

Yesterday was weirdest day of my life. Truly. I felt...I'm not even sure how to describe it actually. Shock, mostly. Relief. Both light as a feather and grounded. And all of a sudden, the day got brighter, and I felt....free.

This spectre that has had a hold on me for more than half my life has released me. Everything has been publicly acknowledged, and now I know that it was not a creation of my own mind, but a truth. 

Yeah, I really don't know how to explain this. But I do feel validated, believed, and now ready to make my life my own.

Things I've learned this week:

1. I pick up on others' energy - when everyone is positive, I'm positive. When everyone is running around like chickens with their heads cut off, I get that way too.

Good to know, and looking for ways to draw from my own energy.

2. I can cope with more than I ever thought I could. I am actually managing LCP better than ever (if you don't mind me saying so), and keeping up with work.

3. I am able to do more that I ever thought I could. I can facilitate, I can manage time, I can pick up new skills quickly, I am adaptable, I am flexible, determined, resilient and willing to try.

Today has been a great day.

I should also note that my EB have really truly stepped up to the plate. It's taken us all this long to work out our places in the AIESEC world, but we've got there. Together. The EB has really taken on every new challenge, created fantastic events to run, and altogether blown me away.

I'm very proud of Alicia, Sezgi, Azid and Jen. <3

I should also say how proud I am to see so many people running in the SA elections, beginning this Sunday night. UniSA has 3! 3! candidates (Sez, Kane, Jen), AU has 3 (Sara, Kylie, Steven) and FU has a candidate too! (Lauren). Remind me again why I was worrying about pipelines?

The SM elections are this Sunday, and I am so nervous and excited at the same time. Can you believe that we are preparing to hand over what has been ours for so long? Although I guess youo could argue that it was never ours in the first place.

Time for the chicken dance.