Coffee and Cake

2009-11-26T04:34:00.001+10:30

ATEMCO faci.

700 delegates.
4 days at conference, 4 days on a bus.
Mediterranean Sea.

Most excellent. I'm going to Turkey!

2009-11-23T16:53:00.002+10:30

Last night I was reminded of something.

I am in the right place. I am learning the lessons that I need to learn. Everything that happens is happening for a reason (not a "God" reason, but a learning reason).

But it's difficult to remember that sometimes too, especially when you're faced with opposition, or a lack of support, or disillusionment.

However, these are my lessons, so I better shut the hell up and go learn them.

Iraq

2009-11-20T05:08:00.002+10:30

While I was cooking dinner tonight, my Iraqi neighbour struck up a conversation, both of us stirring pots while exchanging pleasantries.

Naqqa is studying to be a vet. She grew up in Iran after her family fled Saddam's regime. She returned to Iraq after the war, but has come back to Iran because vet courses aren't yet offered at Iraqi universities.

We started off lamenting how busy we are, chatting a little about AIESEC (of course!), and study. Then the conversation turned to Iraq, the situation there, what the people are like, the challenges that are presenting themselves, etc.

It started an itch. An itch to go there, to see what it's like. From what Naqqa tells me (although she did admit afterward that she watered it down so as not to shock me), there is still a great deal of corruption, and a lot of challenges faced by people who suddenly have freedom after 35 years of dictatorship. Unemployment is high, creating a ripe market for terrorists, recruiting these young people "to kill someone for 200 bucks".

A google search and a couple of hours later, and I'm a bit disapointed. It's difficult to find NGOs that are working there, it's harder to find jobs that aren't related to engineering, oil or security.

Naqqa was a bit sad to hear that AIESEC isn't present in Iraq, although she can understand why.

Bah, I just have a bunch of thoughts running around right now. Mostly:

how could we introduce entrepreneurship to the young people?
What's the saftey situation like, the universities, business?
Could AIESEC be there, in 2 years? 5? 10?
Is AIESEC the best way to make an impact? Are our ideals too lofty to make an immediate impact? What kind of immediate, useful action can be taken to rebuild Iraq from the everyday-people up, not the unstable-government down?
What skills do I have? Could I make a difference there?
What the hell am I thinking!?!

2009-11-14T08:11:00.002+10:30

Actually, I'm terrified.

I've been reading an awful lot lately about people who lead unconventional lives. I've read about monks who sell printer ink, about people who support regular world travel by blogging, and about people who've challenged the status quo and inspired others to do so.

It's amazing, and inspiring. It's also scary as hell. I want to be different. I want to make a difference. I like the idea of being independent, of being out-there, of being able to support myself and my eventual family.

(You might have heard me talk about my dream to be my family's very own 'Crazy Auntie'. You know, the one that the nieces and nephews want to come see 'coz she's got weird things from all over the world on her walls, she always has stories to tell about that time she got lost in Azerbaijan, and celebrates obscure national holidays.)

BUT.

It's hard. It's scary. It's challenging, and it'll probably be a little lonely. It's exactly the opposite of the secure future we're all expected to have 'when we grow up'. It's so silly. I am exactly cut in half about all this. One half wants to do these things so badly, but the other half says "Kylie - don't be so stupid. It's risky, it's difficult, and besides, we know that you're really not up to the standards required for that kind of adventure. Go home, be safe. Be average - you can manage that.... probably."

So my plan to drive across half the world. It's possible. It's right there - I just need to work, save some money, buy the van and start driving. (plus the logistics of course).

But (again the 'but'), there's a voice in my head saying 'it's a pipedream, Kylie. That's something other people do. Not you. You're just not that amazing, and besides, it's unrealistic to think about something that wild'. Kylie Doesn't Like This.

So what do I do? I want to be unconventional. I like the idea of having a life filled with adventure and awesomeness. I want to have scrapbooks filled with stories and photographs. I want to be able to tell my kids that anything is possible - that NOTHING is a pipedream.

But this fear is really making these dreams seem impossible.

2009-11-14T05:02:00.002+10:30

Crazy Plan #386

now -> June 2010: Iran

June 2010 -> June 2011: TN in Holland (or somewhere in Europe)

June 2011 -> December 2011: ROADTRIP!! Buy a van, and follow the Silk Road/Hippy Trail through Europe, the Middle East and Asia, and then down to Australia in time for Christmas.

All I need is someone crazy enough to come with me!

After that, it'll be time for 'real life' to start, but better late than never!

Berlin Wall

2009-11-10T15:37:00.000+10:30

I'll let you draw all the fuzzy conclusions.

2009-11-09T03:11:00.002+10:30

Being in sync with your friends can be fun - like saying the same thing at the same time, or passing a glance that can only mean one thing.

Being in sync with your friends can be comforting too - like when you're on opposite sides of the planet, asking yourselves the same questions.

2009-11-04T20:09:00.002+10:30

The Faculty is dead quiet.

The internet is slow, intermittent and generally unreliable.

Mobile phone reception is also worse than normal.

Yes, there are more demonstrations today.

30 years ago today, Iranian students stormed the American Embassy and took the staff there hostage for 444 days. I heard rumours that there would be an attempt to take the Russian Embassy today, but I doubt that will occur. (The Russians also heard the rumour and stepped up security).

About 20 minutes away is Enghelab Square. According to the Australian and Dutch news, there are thousands of people down there now, protesting. There are reports of tear gas being used. That's why my VPX isn't in today - he lives down there.

Over lunch before, my friend said "I hope noone gets killed today". I agreed, and then I realised what we'd said. It's a strange reality we're living in.

22

2009-11-04T18:02:00.002+10:30

You know you're loved (and very privileged) when you get messages from around the world.
Jess from Australia/Cambodia

Kreig from MidWest USA

I love you all, thank you for making me feel so special today. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going home to die, because I have the flu.

2009-11-02T16:44:00.001+10:30

My friend:

"I think I'm pretty intelligent, S is also pretty smart. You're great at providing comedic relief and that warm fuzzy feeling."

hmm. What does that mean?

..when you're having fun

2009-11-02T16:42:00.001+10:30

On this day 12 months ago, I was standing in a garden, on a dairy farm in country Victoria watching my beautiful Auntie Julie get married.

Where does time go?

2009-10-24T16:38:00.002+10:30

I don't really have anything to post, and that's because I haven't been doing any thinking lately.

I've been too distracted by life (again).

I need to look around, remember to put my tourist glasses back on every now and again.

When am I going to be in Iran again?

2009-10-17T21:43:00.002+10:30

Sometimes there are hard lessons to learn.

You look at yourself, and your values. you made decisions based on those values. But what happens when you stand by someone and some of your values, knowing that by doing so, you violate other values?

How do you balance them out? Which are more important? What influences the decision? Do you rank the things you hold dear in order? Can integrity be sacrificed over loyalty? Honesty over trust?

Does your situation influence which ones you pick over others? Undoubtably.

Then what happens when you are called out on your choice? There's no defence, because at the end of the day, you did violate your own values. You did something wrong. Even if you were doing so in defence of others.

Big questions.

Eat That Frog!

2009-10-02T05:13:00.003+09:30

I found this book today - one of two English-language books in the 10-15 bookstores I visited (the other is Great Expectations by Dickins - now's a good a time as any to start on the classics I guess!)

It's a short one, and I've read it 3 times already. I quite like the productivity genre, it usually gives me new ideas and impetus to get off my arse and get moving.

This one's got me though, it really has. It's simple, and I'm already doing some of the things, which makes me happy.

The premise is that there is an old idea: "if the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that that is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long."

Therefore, you should do the hardest, most off-putting (but realistically, probably most important) task first thing, and stay at it 'til it's done.

It's simple, but I think it's worth it. Straight to the point, no fluffing about. Just get your work done. The ideas aren't new, but I like the way it's presented.

A box of buttons

2009-09-29T00:22:00.002+09:30

On the weekend, someone showed me the box of buttons that they treasured when they were a kid. They picked out the favourites, eyes fading into memories years old.

I looked at that box, and realised that friends are much the same. You keep all the best ones there in your heart. You know which ones catch your eye instantly, which have chips or scratches, and which is your all time favourite because of some unique characteristic that you never tire of.

I've been looking through my button box recently. Or rather, the buttons have been talking to me. (hehe)

Luckily, some of my most treasured friends have been calling, emailing, g-chatting or skyping. To catch up, to vent, to laugh and cry, to question, to understand, to say "I miss you".

Every conversation we have, no matter how short, no matter how poor the connection, is something so special to me. Hearing your voice, seeing your messages, all of it brightens my day.

I love all my buttons!

2009-09-22T04:02:00.001+09:30

*curse words*

I just get to thinking that I've come to understand myself, and then I go and find a whole other part of me that I didn't see before.

*double curse words*

Time for change

2009-09-07T10:00:00.002+09:30

There comes a point when you look at yourself and wonder at what you have become.

I'm tired of being the person I am. I can no longer rely on old excuses, old habits and old thoughts. These beliefs have only ever held me back, and provided escape routes from taking responsibility.

I've had it with that.

So many times before, I've promised myself that I would improve. It only takes a haircut to reinvent myself. It only takes eating healthy, it only takes 'a new attitude', it only takes blah blah.

Not now. I took a good hard look at myself earlier, and I didn't like what I saw. I saw someone who is afraid to take responsibility. Someone who is so scared of people expecting things from her that she'd just rather avoid doing anything at all. After all, disapointment is something that is easier to manifest than respect.

Enough, enough, enough.

It's time for a change, a serious one. Looking inside and realising this fear for the first time has been a massive shock to my system. I'm still terrified of making changes, of taking responsibility, of having faith in myself to meet my committments, but fuck it, I'm going to give this everything I have.

Starting today, I will do everything in my power to be who I should be. I have a mental list (which will be on paper shortly) of the things I want to change, the things I want to achieve.

It's about 2 things: 'Change your behaviour to change your thoughts' and 'start acting as if you are already the person you want to be'.

I will do these things for me, not for others. For too long, I've relied on other people as my motivation and as my crutch. I look to others for justification of my shortcomings. I'm crap because I didn't get x, I failed because y didn't help me. If only I had z, I could finally do everything I need to do.

This new motivation, this new drive and focus must come from inside myself. It's so scary, to actually take responsibility for my own actions, decisions, future. But that's what needs to happen if I want to get anywhere in this life.

I need to make a firm decision to do better. I will not let myself or other people down this time. There is still this nagging self-doubt that this time will be like all the other 'haircut' fixes, but I can't allow that to be so. I feel a deep dissatisfaction with my behaviour thus far, and I think I've finally discovered the reason why. Me.

I will not end this with a list of committments, a promise to the world that I will be better, or a plea for accountability. I will end this post and go and meet my life with focus, determination and a sincere effort to live without fear.

Topsy - Turvy

2009-08-25T09:39:00.004+09:30

I have absolutely no semblance of a routine here, at all.

I haven't been to bed yet, and it's 4.45am. Granted, my alarm did go off at 4am, as it was set. I should've woken up then so I could eat before sunrise (it's Ramadan time).

But I just didn't end up going to bed. Again.

Some days I sleep more than 12 hours, sometimes a few days in a row. Sometimes I sleep at night, other times not. Sometimes I do plain wierd hours, staying up late into the night, sleeping 6am-12pm.

What the hell is going on?? There is no rhyme, reason or pattern here at all.

Well, I must say I like the tea and dates at this hour, but I must be quick - the sun rises in 12 minutes.

Friends

2009-08-17T04:57:00.000+09:30

make my world go 'round.

Every person I meet makes an impact.

Thank you.

Time to be epic.

2009-08-10T17:24:00.001+09:30

Time to be epic.

2009-08-10T17:24:00.000+09:30

2009-08-09T06:36:00.002+09:30

There is literally so much work to do, I don't know where to begin.

I'm not perfect, and I've never been particularly adept at pretending otherwise.

Deer caught in the headlights.

Ostrich with his head in the sand.

Old habits are hard to kick, especially the 'if I don't move, everything will go away' mechanism.

Fail. But getting grumpy at myself wont help. Neither will ignoring everything and hoping it goes away.

Make a list. Make a list and start at the top.

Do. Go. Yes. Right? Remind me of this in the morning.

2009-08-02T23:24:00.002+09:30

It's difficult to get my head around this sometimes.

Time to really develop those self reliance skills.

2009-07-11T04:42:00.001+09:30

Please make sure you are sitting down.

I've decided to become one of those awkward people at the pub who say 'I'll just have a coke' when everyone else is sinking jugs of Pale.

Yeah, I've decided to formally, totally and irreversibly stop drinking.

It's a mixture of things that's led me to this, but that's the way it is.

Iran is already teaching me things not related to work. One thing I've found is that life continues without booze.

So there you go.

2009-07-10T01:32:00.002+09:30

Well, you get what you wish for.

I got myself a riot on my front steps. Right now.

Today is the 18th of Tir in the Persian calendar. 10 years ago today, there was a student uprising, mainly at the boys dorms (from memory). These boys dorms happen to be down the road from where I live, in the girl's dorms.

From what I'm told by locals, every year on the 18th of Tir there is some sort of demonstration. Couple that with recent events, and I'm not surprised to see what I'm seeing.

Angry crowds? check.
Nasty looking plain clothes men on motorbikes? check.
Sudden apperance by masses of police in riot gear? check.
Young men arrested and taken god-knows-where? check.
Dispersion of crowds down alleys? check.

I'm back in my room now, because there's no way on this earth that the guards would let me out of the dorm compound right now to see anything else.

There's this ambient noise that's everywhere, it can only be described as 'crowd'. Allahu Akbar (God is Greater), and Marg Bar Diktator (Death to the Dictator) blend into noise, intermixed with car horns and the occaisional 'blip' of a police siren. The smell of burning is tossed over the crowd and eeks into my room.

My workmate (my MCVPX) is stuck in the office, about 2 minutes walk away from here, in the direction of the fighting. Security has locked the building. He says he can see things on fire in the street, lots of people, but not much else.